I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
