I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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