I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
