why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
