Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
