Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
