im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
