Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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