Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Michael Bay diarrhea
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
