I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
