So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
They should really pass out barf bags in church
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
