Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
