The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
