captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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