My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We smell like vodka and hangover
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