I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
