Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize