i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
