He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
His nipple licking is glorious
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