i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize