My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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