Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
