Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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