She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
