I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
