the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
