Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
