No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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