my vag is so smooth its legendary
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
