I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
