M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
