you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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