I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
