If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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