I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
