One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
