my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
