Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
