This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize