Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
