I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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