Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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