dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
