Banned from zoo.
Again?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
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