so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
