so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
