omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
