Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
