Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
