im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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