I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
