i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
