Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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