don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I FOUND THE LEGS
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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