All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
