Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
