Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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