I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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